Gob Smacked
by Nanatsusaya
Summary: Snape is, yet again, the butt of Sirius' latest joke. A bit of SiriusxRemus, but hardly at all.


 _Note: Based on a role-play by Zimus and myself.  _

 **Gob-Smacked         **

"Now, who can tell me what the difference between these two ingredients?" Professor Crutchley stalked back and forth across the dim, dungeon classroom, praying for the end of the hour.  Her eyes swept over the room, glancing over the mass of students for a hand raised to answer the question.  In the back of the room, the arm of one Sirius Black shot up. 

"Yes, Sirius?"

            "I would like to volunteer Severus for this question," he said in a snide tone, jerking a thumb in the direction of his Slytherin classmate.  

Snape's eye nearly popped out of his head in annoyance and surprise, and he sat up a little straighter, "No—I _do_ know the answer, but no," he hissed at Sirius.  

            Professor Crutchley, looking quite harassed after putting up with a full hour of Sirius' antics, said with a defeated sigh, "Oh, bother…. Forget it, class dismissed."  With a general air of excitement at being allowed to leave early, the students filed out of the classroom in groups for four or five, chatting and laughing about what they would do until the next class started.  Most thought to take more time for lunch, some wanted to get a little studying in, and one, being energetic James Potter, waved to his friends and ran off the Quidditch pitch.  Left behind, waiting for a vaguely amused Remus Lupin, was a confused Peter Pettigrew and Sirius, snickering at Snape.  Said Slytherin was currently very, very annoyed, and wanted nothing more than to get far away from the Gryffindor prankster, but could not find his quill anywhere.  To be sure, Sirius had hidden it, although where is a mystery that most likely didn't have a 'decent' answer.  He was in a very playful mood today.  Well…more than usual.  

Sirius stretched casually, covering up the fact that it was he shoving Peter into Snape's lap and not just the chubby boy's clumsiness acting on it's own accord.  He then slung a long arm over Remus' shoulders, saying to his friend nonchalantly, "I say we skive off to Hogsmeade for a bite to eat while Prongsie's falling off his broom."  

            With a look of utter disgust, Snape shoves Peter off himself and onto the floor.  Peter landed heavily on the ground, unable to catch himself in time to save face from an embarrassing fall. (Not that the tubby boy had much dignity in the first place….)

            Remus, seeing Peter looking ever more mystified than before, couldn't help but laugh.  Feigning shock, he exclaimed, "Why, Severus!  Are you denying your sexuality?"  

"…What the bloody _hell_ are you talking about, Lupin?" Snape paused in his search for the quill to stare at the giggling werewolf.   

            "You know, denial isn't going to fool anyone.  Homophobia is usually a good indicator for homosexuality," he added with a bright smile, elbowing Sirius in the ribs when the other boy started to choke on his own laughter.  

"If you _ever_ imply such a deplorable thing again, I will make sure you all die in your sleep." Snape growled and tossed the rest of his things into his bag, deciding it was not worth finding the quill to have to bear this idiocy any longer.  

            "Yeah, yeah, yeah…. If I had a penny for every time you said that, I wouldn't be wearing sneakers with holes in them." Remus muttered back.  

Sirius looked down at Peter, still on the floor, and blinked…and blinked…and came up with a devious plan.  "…Now look what you've done, Severus!  You've gone and made him cry!"  He patted the mystified Peter on the head dramatically, making motherly cooing noises at the larger boy.  He paused his absurd administrations to add, "Kiss and make up!" in harsh tone to the thoroughly miffed Snape.

            "That is IT.  I'm _leaving_."  The Slytherin turned to the door in a whirl of robes and anger, trying not to be ill at the thought of kissing slightly pimply Peter Pettigrew.  

"Hey!  You haven't apologized to dear little Peter yet!  He'll jump out the window after dinner, dreams _crushed,_ if you don't!  IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE THAT ADORE YOU?" he called obnoxiously after Snape, following quickly after the bobbing black head of grease.  Stopping for a moment to grab Peter and drag him out by the collar, Sirius put up a chase, determined to carry out his plan.  It had been at least a week since he'd managed to give Snape a good teasing, and that fact was bothering him to no end.  Can't have people thinking he was slacking, now can he?  

            "Sod off, Black," Snape replied without turning.  He pushed through the crowded hallway, stalking some unknown destination away from his arch-nemesis.  A few more hapless souls pushed out of the way revealed Remus, standing stolidly before him, smiling pleasantly.  Obviously, the wolf boy had taken some secret passage to get that far ahead that quickly, but Snape still balked nonetheless.  

"Ah, bloody hell…." Taking a glance behind him to see Sirius gaining on him with Peter in tow, the Slytherin knew he was good and cornered.  Just how had the awful Lupin managed to slip away without him noticing?  Snape was sure if he had seen him leave, then this whole situation could have been averted.  Coming up behind him, Sirius snatched up his wrist and locked it together with Peter's in a set of shiny, new handcuffs that the wily Gryffindor had spent all of one lazy night learning how to transfigure from a shady book he had picked up in a shadier store in an even shadier corner of Hogsmeade one fine autumn day.  

            Peter, needless to say, was by now so in the dark about the happenings of the last ten minutes that all he could do was stare at the handcuffs, stare at Sirius, stare at Remus, and stare at his fellow captive, in that order, three times over.  Snape on the other hand…well…let's just say it was a miracle Snape didn't have a heart attack and die, right then and there.  Especially after Sirius promptly swallowed the key without a second thought.  

"Detach us **at once** or I swear, I will kill you all in your sleep!"  Snape roared furiously.  Scattered snickering filtered over to the motley group from various amused persons in the hallway crowd.  The braver ones stopped to watch, but most kept moving as to avoid any confrontation themselves.  

            "That's about eight times today you've said that.  I think it's a record," Remus mused.

"I think you're right, old chap!  Congrats, Snivellus!" Sirius added with a malicious grin, patting Snape on the arm.  

            "I am **not **spending the day attached to this buffoon!"  

Remus answers, "Looks like you'll be spending a lot more than a day together—Padfoot ate the key."

"See if you don't get a vomiting potion in your lunch…" Snape muttered with a dark look at the still grinning Sirius.  He continued louder for everyone in the vicinity to hear.  "I'm going to Dumbledore to get _this_ removed and all of you punished!"  

"You lovebirds don't get too wild now—got to be able to sit right for class tomorrow."  Sirius had a penchant for finding the most indecent thing to say at the most embarrassing times.  It was a talent of his few escaped, most of all Snape.  Absolutely fuming (so that steam is nearly pouring out of every orifice) the Slytherin boy stomped off in the direction of the Headmaster's office, tugging the unfortunate Peter along after him.  Remus was sniggering madly, Sirius was already thinking of a new trick to play on Snape for when he got the handcuffs off, thoroughly encouraged by the outcome of this one.  

            "Good show!  Best we've done in a while!" Remus said through the laughter, walking down the hallway toward the Great Hall with the black haired boy following at his heels.  

"Most definitely!" Sirius slings and arm over the werewolf's shoulders and plants a very unexpected smooch right on his cheek.  Remus, stopping short, looks at him with one eyebrow raised, marveling at the randomness of his friend. 

            "What in the bloody hell was that?"

With a shrug, "Mwahahahaha!"

            To which Remus replied with a shake of his head and a skeptical smile, "You need to stop drinking in the morning."

Professor Crutchley quit the next day, on the premise of stress.  


End file.
